Lesson From Bihar

                  Tihar this year found my family in reunion. My brother had just returned from the US after studying and living there for four years. We were all in Mahottari to celebrate the festival of lights and the Chhath festival too, which was approaching soon. My parents made plans to visit our relatives in Bihar, whom we hadn’t seen for a long time due to our busy schedules. We decided to do the needful and hired an Indian jeep to make the big trip.

Bihar sprung back to my mind from childhood days—I remembered its poverty and backward mindset. Girls were never encouraged to go to school. I used to feel sorry for my cousins who were growing up there.

The jeep arrived at our door the next morning and we started early from Jaleshwor. Upon arriving at the Bhitthamod border, we took an entry pass for the road that would take us to our relatives’ village.

As soon as we crossed the border, we began to feel a big difference. Our bottoms were sore from travelling on the Nepali roads with their endless potholes and uneven surface. The Indian side, however, had us seated undisturbed—their roads were tarred neat and we were hardly even budged. The last time I remember travelling on this road, I had a hard time figuring out the road from the potholes. We would be rattled so hard that our heads would hit the roof of the car. Journeys were nightmarish during the monsoons, when ponds would flood roads, and the village would turn into a big grey pool.

My present journey, however, was going quite well on this newly tarred road and I found the answer to my surprise on roadside propaganda: “Pradhan Mantri Gram Sadak Yojana” (Prime Minister Rural Road Scheme), a signboard said. We stopped for some refreshments and my father asked a person at the tea stall about this new phenomenon. He replied proudly in Maithili, “Aab Bihar ke Halat Pahile jika nahai. Sarkar bahut bikash ka rahal hai (Bihar is no longer like what it was before. The state government has done a lot for its development).”

We resumed our journey and stopped at a village named Pirokhar—the maiden home of my aunt. The place was serene and its cool mango orchards felt heavenly to a city person like me. Buses passed by, unshaken by potholes and my maternal uncle shared how easy life had become after the road project—it had made things convenient for locals to take their agricultural produce to the market.

More tarring of the roads was going on at some points and our jeep slowed down to witness these small steps that had transformed the road to Bihar. I found myself envying Biharis for this facility. A few years ago, I used to tease my relatives there about their poor infrastructure and the corruption that ran deep in their state. But it seemed to me that we had swapped spots this time—I was the one to be made fun of! I dreaded meeting my cousins now and thought it best to keep the truth about Nepali roads to myself.

With these thoughts, fuel ran out and the car came to a halt. We had to wait until the driver got a gallon of petrol from a nearby depot. Meanwhile, school girls in uniforms passed by and looked at us inquisitively. Elderly people and cattle grazers carried pride in their countenance. The sun shone brightly and I thought I saw contentment in their eyes. It certainly was true that when one’s state is developed, citizens live in dignity regardless of income. After paying short visits to three more relatives at different points, we finally reached a town called Pupree. At a railway crossing, I found myself gaping at the train that passed by. It was very well-managed and luxurious compared with our Janakpur-Jaynagar railway which goes off the track several times a day putting hundreds of lives in peril, while during the monsoons, rainwater drips from the ceiling.

We reached Behera around 1 a.m. and had a sumptuous Mithila meal prepared by my aunt. My uncle said that the Bihar government gave every female student a stipend of IRs. 2,000 to buy a bicycle for easy access to school. Books and uniform were free of cost, too. “Even Dalit girls are going to school now,” he added. My uncle’s narration made me marvel at Bihar’s progress. From being dogmatic about girls’ education, this state had gone on to include the Dalits too.

We had to return home by late evening, and could not stay there for too long. Our last stop was at a village called Sahajauli, where my mother’s elder sister lived. It was getting dark by the time we reached there, but the road was good. It took us an hour and a half to come back to the Nepali border and I couldn’t help but have mixed feelings at the point of crossing over—I was happy to meet my relatives after so many years, but my visit to Bihar this autumn blew me over with the transformation it had undergone. Bihar was almost at the point of no return in terms of governance a few years ago, and now it has surprised everyone. If this state can change from being one of the worst in India to an exemplary one, can’t our country do the same?

BY: Prasun Singh

Source:http://www.ekantipur.com/the-kathmandu-post/2010/12/17/expression/lessons-from-bihar/216163/

Study shows sex addicts fear intimacy

AFP

Photo illustration. Sex addicts feel threatened by intimacy and are more insecure about romantic relationships than the rest of the population, a New Zealand study has found.

    Sex addicts feel threatened by intimacy and are more insecure about romantic relationships than the rest of the population, a New Zealand study has found.

The survey of more than 600 people found those who indulged in compulsive sexual behaviour felt anxious and insecure about relationships and tried to avoid becoming too emotionally attached to others.

Massey University said the study, conducted by psychology honours student Karen Faislander under the supervision of a practicing clinical psychologist and an academic specialist, was the first of its type in New Zealand.

Faislander said sex addiction, which made headlines this year with revelations about Tiger Woods' love life, was a complex condition that had not been researched as thoroughly as areas such as substance abuse or depression.

She said the term "sex addict" first emerged in the early 1980s and there were 29 other terms in scientific literature that described the condition, including sexual compulsiveness, excessive sexual desire disorder and hyper-sexuality.

The preferred contemporary term is out-of-control sexual behaviors (OOCSB).

"It's widely misunderstood and stigmatized," Faislander told AFP.

"There's no known effective treatment. We don't know what causes it or how we treat it."

Because of the embarrassment people feel discussing the subject, Faislander's study used an anonymous online survey to quiz 621 people about their sex lives. 407 identified themselves as sex addicts while 214 were not.

The survey asked if they engaged in online sex, prostitution, sex in public or with multiple partners, as well as examining areas such as alcohol use and feelings of self worth.

"The OOCSB group reported higher rates of insecure styles of attachment, characterized by a perspective of relationships as threatening, and feelings of either anxiety towards or avoidance of closeness or intimacy," the study found.

In contrast, non-sex addicts found intimacy desirable and rewarding, felt secure in relationships and regarded their partners as trustworthy.

Faislander said studies estimated 3-6 percent of the population had the condition in the US, where sex addiction clinics have sprung up in recent years treating stars such as Woods, actor David Duchovny and comedian Russell Brand.

She said no such treatment was available in New Zealand, where self-help groups including Sex and Love Addicts and Sexaholics Anonymous use 12-step programs based on those pioneered by Alcoholics Anonymous.

While Faislander's study was not peer reviewed, she hopes to gain a doctorate in clinical psychology and conduct further research on treating out-of-control sexual behaviours.

Source: http://thehimalayantimes.com/fullNews.php?headline=Study+shows+sex+addicts+fear+intimacy&NewsID=269750 

ड्रग्स लिएको कुरा बच्चाको खेल जस्तो होइन

ड्रग्स लिएको कुरा बच्चाको खेल जस्तो होइन
-बसन्तराज कुँवर

आज विहानै नेपालको पाटन शहरबाट मलाई कुनै व्यक्तिले फोन गर्नु भयो र भन्नु भयो ‘बसन्त सर मेरो छोराले अलि अलि ड्रग्स खाएको जस्तो छ’ । वहाँको वाक्य पुरा नहुँदै मैले विचैमा प्रश्न गरें, “अलि अलि भनेको के हो ?”वहाँ मेरो प्रश्नले थोरै अकमकिनु भयो र भन्नु भयो, “मेरो भन्नुको मतलब उ अरु जस्तो ड्रग्स एडिक्ट होइन”, मैले फेरी प्रश्न गरें, “अरु जस्तो भनेको कस्तो हो ? तपाईले कति ड्रग्स खानेहरु माथि अध्ययन गर्नु भएको छ ?” वहाँ फेरी अकमकाउनु भयो र भन्नु भयो, “मेरो छोराले गाँजा, व्राउन सुगर खाँदैन खाली टैवलेट मात्र खान्छ” यस पछि पनि मलाई वहाँको कुरामा थुप्रै प्रश्नहरु गर्नु पर्ने थियो तर मैले गरिन र वहाँलाई संझाउन थालें कि पहिला आमावावुले ड्रग्स सेवन गर्ने वच्चाको सम्बन्धमा आफै धारणा बनाउनु हुँदैन बल्की त्यस्तो धारणा बनाउने काम विशेषज्ञलाई छोडी दिनु पर्दछ ।” आफै विशेषज्ञ बन्न खोज्दा ठूलो आर्थिक क्षति हुने मात्र होइन त्यस्तै परे दुव्र्यसनमा परेका छोरा वा छोरीको ज्यान पनि जान सक्छ ।
जुन अभिभावकले मलाई पाटनबाट फोन गरी रहनु भएको थियो वहाँलाई ड्रग्सको सेवन अलि अलि र धेरै हुन्छ भन्ने भ्रम थियो । हामीले के बुझ्नु पर्दछ भने चोरी कार्य अलि अलि र धेरै भयो भन्दैमा चोरको स्तर फरक हुँदैन । कुनै केटी वा केटाले कसैलाई बालत्कार ग¥यो भने अलि अलि वा धेरै हुन सक्दैन । मूख्य कुरा भनेको चोरी भएको छ वा छैन ? त्यस्तै वालत्कार भएको छ वा छैन ? भन्ने महत्वपूर्ण कुरो हो । चोरी गर्छ वा वलत्कार गर्छ भने त्यस्को पटकको आधारमा उ माथिको विश्वास तल माथि हुन सक्तैन । उदाहरणको लागि कुनै घरमा नोकर बस्न आएको व्यक्तिले मैले ३ पटक मात्र चोरी गरेको छु भन्यो भने त्यो घर मालिकले ए यस्ले त सय पटक त चोरी गरेको रहेनछनी भनेर उ माथि विश्वास गर्न सक्तैन । त्यसैगरी अर्को कुरो के हुन्छ भने चाहे सियो चोरेको होस्, सुनको सिक्री चोरेको होस् वा लैपटप चोरेको होस् कुरो के चो¥यो भन्ने भन्दा पनि उसको चोरी गर्ने वानि रहेछ भन्ने कुरा महत्वपूर्ण हुन्छ । कुनै नोकार हुन चाहने व्यक्तिले यदि कुनै घरपेटीलाई मैले खाली चम्चा मात्र चोरी गरेको हुँ तर सुनको सिक्री चाँही चोरेको हैन भन्यो भने त्यो घरपेटीले त्यस अवस्थामा पनि पक्कै उसलाई जागीरमा राख्न आँट गर्ने छैन र भन्ने छ यो चोर रहेछ चाहे जे सुकै चोरेको किन नहोस् । यस व्यक्तिको चोर्ने बानी रहेछ ।
लागु औषध लिनेको हकमा पनि यस्तै हुन्छ । पहिला कुरा हामीले के थाहा पाउनु पर्दछ भने यस व्यक्तिले लागु औषध लिन्छ वा लिँदैन ? कि लिन्छ कि लिदैन ? यस मध्य के हो ? त्यो कुराको एकिन गर्नु पर्दछ । यदि उसले लटठ्याउने पदार्थ जस्तै रक्सी, वियर, वाइन, हिरोइन, व्राउनसुगर, निन्द्रा लाग्ने औषधी, डिप्रेसनको औषधी, पेनकिलर, कोकिन, क्र्याक्स, सुवुटेक्स, मेथाडोन, सुँघेर लट्ठीने डेनड्राइट जस्ता कुराहरु मुखवाट, नाकवाट वा रगतवाट लिई रहेको छ भने हामीले बुझ्नु पर्दछ उसले लागु औषध लिइ रहेको छ ।
अव दोश्रो कुरा हामीले के बुझ्नु पर्दछ भने त्यो व्यक्तिले त्यस्ता लागु पदार्थ सेवन कुनै चिकित्सकको सिफारिसमा गरी रहेको छ कि आफुखुसी सेवन गरी रहेको छ ? यदि आफुखुशी सेवन गरी रहेको छ भने हामीले बुझ्नु पर्दछ त्यस व्यक्तिले लागु पदार्थको दुरुपयोग गरी रहेको छ ।
अब तेश्रो कुरा हामीले के बुझ्नु पर्दछ भने त्यस व्यक्तिले लिएको लागु पदार्थ त्यस व्यक्तिले छोड्न चाहेमा वा अरुले छोड भनेमा त्याग्न सक्छ कि सक्क्तैन ? उदाहरणको लागि कुनै व्यक्तिले रक्सी सेवन गरी रहेको छ र उसले म खब देखि रक्सी सेवन गर्दिन भनी त्याग्न खोजेमा त्याग्न सक्छ कि सक्तैन ? त्यस्तै कसैले व्राउन सुगर लिइरहेको छ भने अब देखि लिन्न भनेपछि त्यो वस्तुको सेवन रोक्न सक्छ कि सक्दैन ? यदि सक्छ भने हामीले बुझ्नु प¥यो त्यस लागु औषध माथि त्यस व्यक्तिको नियन्त्रण रहेछ र यदि सकेन भने हामीले बुझ्नु प¥यो त्यस लागु औषध माथि अव देखि त्यस व्यक्तिको नियन्त्रण गुमेछ । यो स्थिति दुव्र्यसनका दृष्टिकोणले खतरानाक अवस्था हो ।
चौथो, कुरा अब के बुझ्नु पर्दछ भने जुन लागुऔषध उसले लिने गर्दछ त्यो लागु औषध उसले सेवन गर्न पाएन भने उसलाई कुनै शारिरीक मानसिक समस्या आउँछ कि आउँदैन ? उदाहरणको लागि कुनै व्यक्तिको रक्सी सेवन गर्न नपाउने वित्तिकै हाथहरु काम्न थालेमा वा कसैले टैवलेट खान नपाउने वित्तिकै उसलाई रातभर निन्द्रा परेन वा कसैले मेथाडोन वा व्राउनसुगर खान नपाउने वित्तिकै उसको जिउ दुख्न थाल्यो वा डिप्रेसन भएको महसुस गर्न थाल्यो वा कसैले लटठ्याउने कुरा सुँघ्न नपाउने वित्तिकै उसको टाउको दुख्न थाल्यो वा बान्ता होला जस्तो भयो भने हामीले बुझ्नु पर्दछ अब यो व्यक्ति दुव्र्यसनी भयो अर्थात लागु औषध नपाउँदा अव उसलाई शारीरिक मानसिक समस्या शुरु हुन थाले छ । दुव्र्यसन भनेको यहि अवस्था हो ।
अब यसैगर िपाँचौ चरणमा हामीले के कुरा बुझ्नु पर्दछ भने त्यो व्यक्तिले लागु औषध नियमित लिनका लागि अव अनैतिक काम गर्न थाल्यो कि थालेन ? उदाहरणको लागि झुठो बोल्न थाल्यो थालेन, पैसा मास्न थाल्यो थालेन, पढाई छोड्ने वा फेल हुन थाल्यो थालेन, काम गरेको ठाउँमा गएल पर्न थाल्यो थालेन । यदि थाल्यो भने बुझ्नु पर्छ कि अब त्यो व्यक्ति सामान्य जिवन यापन गर्न नसक्ने हुँदै जाँदैछ ।
जसरी आज डिनर खाने वा लन्च खाने भने पछि संसारमा लाखौं थरीका भोजन हुन सक्छन् । कसैले आलुलाई लन्छ भन्न सक्छन्, कसैले मासुलाई, कसैले पाउरोटीलाई त कसैले भात वा ढिडोलाई । यसमा लन्च वा डिनर भन्ने कुराको मुख्य विशेषता के हुनुपर्दछ भने त्यो लिएको बस्तुले व्यक्तिको भोख सान्त गराउनु पर्दछ । त्यसै गरी संसारमा रुख, पात, जरा, पाउडर, जीव जन्तुको विष, रसायन, टैवलेट, झोल लगायत अनेकौं रुप र आकृतिका लाखौं प्रकारका लटठ्याउने चिज बस्तु हुने गर्दछन् जसलाई हामीले अहिले ड्रग्स भन्ने गर्दछौं । लटठ्याउने कुरा कुनै ठूलो सानो हुँदैन । ति विष नै हुन्छ । एउटा झिङ्गा मार्ने विष र हात्ती मार्ने विषलाई कुन ठूलो मान्ने ? दुवै विष नै हुन् । धेरै प्रकारका खानेकुराले व्यक्ति अघाए झै धेरै थरीका ड्रग्सले व्यक्ति लट्ठीएको हुन सक्छ । जुनसुकै प्रकारको लटठ्याउने कुरा लिएको भएपछि लागु औषध लिएकै मान्नु पर्दछ र त्यो चिज छोड भन्दा छोड्न नसक्ने अवस्थामा पुगेको भए अव त्यो व्यक्ति दुव्र्यसनी भएछ भनेर मान्नु पर्दछ । त्यस दिन पाटनवाट फोन गर्ने अभिभावकले यो कुरा बुझेका रहेनछन् । मैले बुझाउन प्रयास गरें । अन्तत उनले बुझे र झस्के ।
आज हज्जारौं परिवार जस्का छोरा छोरी लागु औषध समस्यामा छन् उनीहरु बर्षौसम्म मेरो छोरा वा छोरी अरु जस्तो दुव्र्यसनी होइन भन्दै भ्रममा बसेका छन् । यस प्रकारको भ्रममा पर्नु हुँदैन । कुनै पनि लटठ्याउने बस्तु लिएको छ भने गम्भीरतापूर्वक लिनै पर्दछ । ड्रग्स लिएको कुरा बच्चाको खेल जस्तो होइन ।

Where is our 1/3 Nepal?

Treaty of 1950  with India

 

Treaty of “Peace and Friendship” between the Government of India and the Government of Nepal, 1950.

The Government of India and the Government of Nepal recognizing the ancient ties which have happily existed between the two countries for centuries;Desiring still further to strengthen and develop these ties and to perpetuate peace between the two countries;Have resolved therefore to enter into a Treaty of Peace and Friendship with each other, and have, for this purpose,appointed as their plenipotentiaries the following persons, namely,  THE GOVERNMENT OF INDIA, HIS EXCELLENCY SHRI CHADRESHWAR PRASAD NARAIN SINGH, Ambassador of India in Nepal; THE GOVERNMENT OF NEPAL, MOHANSHAMSHER JANG BAHADUR RANA, Maharaja, Prime Minister and Supreme-Commander- in-Chief of Nepal, who having

examined each other’s credentials and found them good and in due form have agreed as follows:

 

ARTICLE-1

 There shall be everlasting peace and friendship between the government of India and the Government of Nepal. The two Governments agree mutually to acknowledge and respect the complete sovereignty, territorial integrity and independence of each other.

 

ARTICLE-2

The two Governments hereby undertake to inform each other of any serious friction or misunderstanding with any neighboring State likely to cause any breach in the friendly relations subsisting between the two Governments.

 

ARTICLE-3

In order to establish and maintain the relations referred to in Article 1 the two Governments agree to continue diplomatic relations with each other by means of representatives with such staff as is necessary for the due performance of their functions.The representatives and such of their staff as may be agreed upon shall enjoy such diplomatic privileges and immunities as are customarily granted by international law on a reciprocal basis:Provided that in no case shall these be less than those granted to persons of a similar status of any other State having diplomatic relations with either Government.

 

ARTICLE-4 

The tow Governments agree to appoint Consuls-General, Consuls, vice-consuls and other consular agents, who shall reside in towns, ports and other places in each other’s territory as may be agreed to.

 Consuls-General, Consuls, vice-consuls and consular agents shall be provided with executors or other valid authorization of  their appointment. Such executor or authorization is liable to be withdrawn by the country which issued it, if considered necessary. The reasons for the withdrawal shall be indicated wherever possible.The persons mentioned above shall enjoy on a reciprocal basis all the rights, privileges, exemptions and immunities that are accorded to persons of corresponding status of any other State.

 

ARTICLE-5

The Government of Nepal shall be free to import, from or through the territory of India, arms, ammunition or warlike material and equipment necessary for the security of Nepal. The procedure for giving effect to this arrangement shall be worked out by the two Governments acting in consultation.

 

ARTICLE-6

Each Government undertakes, in token of the neighborly friendship between India and Nepal, to give to the nationals of the other, in its territory, national treatment with regard to participation in industrial and economic development of such-territory and to the grant of concessions and contracts relating to such development.

  

ARTICLE-7

The Governments of India and Nepal agree to grant, on a reciprocal basis, to the nationals of one country in the territories of the other the same privileges in the matter of residence, ownership of property,participation in trade and commerce, movement that privileges of a similar nature

.

ARTICLE-8

So far as matters dealt with herein are concerned, this Treaty cancels all previous treaties, agreements, and engagements entered into on behalf of India between the British Government and the Government of Nepal.

 

ARTICLE-9

This Treaty shall come into force from the date of signature by both Governments.

 

ARTICLE-10

The Treaty shall remain in force until its is terminated by either party by giving one year’s notice.   Done in duplicate at Kathmandu this 31st day of July, 1950.(Sd.) CHANDRESHWAR PRASAD NARAIN SINGH For the Government of India(Sd.) MOHAN SHAMSHER JANG BAHADUR RANA For the Government of Nepal Letter from the Ambassador of India to the Prime Minister of Nepal Kathmandu Dated the 31st July 1950YOUR HIGHNESS,In the course of our discussion of the Treaties of Peace and Friendship and of Trade and Commerce which have been happily concluded between the Government of India and the Government of Nepal, we agreed that certain matters of details be regulated by an exchange of letters. In pursuance of this understanding, it is hereby agreed between the two Governments:Neither Government shall tolerate any threat to the security of the other by a foreign aggressor. To deal with any such threat, the two Governments shall consult with each other and devise effective countermeasures.Any arms, ammunition or warlike material and equipment necessary for the security of Nepal that the Government of Nepal may import through the territory of India shall be so imported with the assistance and agreement of the Government of India. The Government of India will take steps for the smooth and expeditious transport of such arms and ammunition through India.In regard to Article 6 of the Treaty of Peace and Friendship which provides for national treatment, the Government of India recognize that it may be necessary for some time to come to afford the Nepalese nationals in Nepal protection from unrestricted competition. The nature and extent of this protection will be determined as and when required by mutual agreement between the two Governments.It the Government of Nepal should decide to seek foreign assistance in regard to the development of the natural resources of, or of any industrial project in Nepal, the Government of Nepal shall give first preference to the Government or the nationals of India, as the case may be, provided that the terms offered by the Government of India or Indian nationals, as the case may be, are not less favorable to Nepal than the terms offered by any other foreign Government or by other foreign nationals.Nothing in the foregoing provision shall apply to assistance that the Government of Nepal may seek from the United Nations Organization or any of its specialized agencies.Both Governments agree not to employ any foreigners whose activity may be prejudicial to the security of the other.Either Government may make representations to the other in this behalf, as and when occasion requires.

 

Please accept Your Highness, the assurances of my highest consideration.(Sd.) MOHAN SHAMSHER JANG BAHADUR RANA Maharaja, Prime Minister and Supreme Commander-in-chief of Nepal. 

(This letter was submitted by the Indian ambassador and approved by the Rana prime minister at the last hour of the Rana oligarchy’s power holding.)

 

Source:http://www.scribd.com/doc/44282056/Treaty-of-1950-With-India

Ever Cried For Your Country?

                   Nepalese complain about the caste system and corrupt officers. They openly vent their anger against the government. But have they ever thought About Nepal's real problems? I believe that they have not. I want to say that Nepal's real problems are lack of patriotism among the people and lack of love for one another. This is the conclusion I have reached during my stay in Nepal. This summer, I did voluntary work from July 5 to July 30 at FHI Ever Vision School, Matatirtha, Kathmandu.
  Let me first tell you about my country, Korea. This might help you understand my point. Just after the Korean War, which claimed lives of more than 5 million Koreans, Korea was one of the poorest countries in the world. Without natural resources, Korea had no choice but to desperately struggle for its survival by all means. Under this gloomy situation, Koreans envied other Asian countries like Japan, Taiwan, and Nepal. Korean government officials were horribly corrupt. With the dual classes of Yangban (nobles) and Sangnom(peasants) , Korean society was sickening day by day. However, Koreans, having determination to become rich, overcame the unfair social structure and put the country onto the track of development. When the former president Park Jung Hee took over the government, there were few factories in Korea. Korea could not attract loans or expect foreign investments. Under these circumstances, President Park 'exported' miners and nurses to then West Germany. The salaries that they earned were used to building factories and promoting industrialization of Korea. In 1964, when President Park visited then West Germany, the miners and nurses asked the president when the Koreans would become rich. The president replied, crying with the miners and nurses, that someday the Koreans would become rich.   Many of Korean scientists and engineers, who could just enjoy comfortable lives in the United States, returned to Korea with only one thing in their mind: the determination to make Korea the most powerful and prosperous country in the world. They did their best even though their salaries were much less than what they would have received in other countries. The Koreans believed that they have the ability to change their desperate situation and that they must make the country better, not only for themselves but also for the future generations yet to come. My parents' generation sacrificed themselves for their families and the country. They worked 14 hours a day, and risked their lives working under inhumane conditions. The mothers, who went to work in factories, fed their babies while operating machines in dangerous environments. They always tried to teach their children the true value of 'hard work'. Finally, all of these hard works and sacrifices made the prosperous Korea that you see now. Nepalese! Have you ever cried for your country? I heard that many of Nepali youth do not love their Nepal. I also heard that they want to leave Nepal because they don't like caste system, or because they want to escape the severe poverty. However, they should be the first ones to voluntarily work for Nepal's development, not the first ones to complain and speak against their country.   I have a dream that someday I would be able to free the souls from suffering from the underdeveloped countries, anachronistic customs and the desperate hunger. My belief has become stronger than ever after seeing the reality in Nepal.
     A child with a fatal disease who doesn't have enough money to buy a pill; a child living in what seems like a pre-historic dwelling and not having the opportunity to receive education; and a student who cannot succeed, no matter how hard he studies, just because of the class he comes from. A society, in which wives not only take care of children but also work in the fields, while their husbands waste their time doing nothing; a society in which a five-year-old must labour in a brick factory to feed herself. Looking at the reality of Nepal, I was despaired, yet this sense of despair strengthened my belief. I already know that many of the Nepalese are devout Hindus. However, nothing happens if you just pray to hundreds of thousands of gods while doing nothing. It is the action that you and Nepal need for the better future. For Nepal and yourselves, you have to show your love to your neighbours and country just as you do to Gods. You know that your Gods will be pleased when you work for the development of your country and improvement of your lives. Therefore, please, love your neighbours and country. Teach your children to love their country. And love the working itself. Who do you think will cry for your Nepal? Who do you think will be able to respect the spirit of Himalayas and to keep the lonely flag representing it? You are the ones responsible for leading this beautiful country to a much brighter future. This responsibility lies on you.

Source:
The writer is a 15 year-old student of Hankuk Academy of Foreign Studies, South Korea
Mr. BAN WHI MIN

"Sexual Abuse is the Hidden Crime"

Sexual abuse involves forcing, tricking, threatening or pressuring a child into sexual awareness or activity. Sexual abuse can be physical, verbal or emotional, and occurs when an older or more knowledgeable child or adult uses a child for sexual pleasure. The abuse often begins gradually and increases over time. It can include sexual touching and fondling or exposing children to adult sexual activity including pornographic movies and photographs.

Incest is defined as sexual relations of any kind perpetrated by a biologically or non-biologically related person functioning in the role of a family member. Other trusted adults could also sexually abuse children and teenagers. These include parents, uncles, aunts, siblings, stepparents, grandparents, coaches, baby sitters, clergy and teachers.

The use of physical force, known as sexual assualt is rarely necessary to engage a child in sexual activity because children are trusting and dependent. Children are taught not to question authority and they believe that adults are always right. Perpetrators of child sexual abuse know this, and take advantage of these vulnerabilities in children. Sexual abuse is an abuse of power over a child and a violation of a child's right to normal, healthy, trusting relationships.

Incest and sexual abuse are at epidemic proportions. Statistics from RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National network), state 15 percent of sexual assault and rape cases occur in children under the age of 12, with 93 percent of juvenile sexual assault perpetuated by someone they know. Of those assaults, 34.2 percent of attackers were family members, 58.7 percent were acquaintances and only 7 percent were complete strangers.

Symptoms
Because most children cannot or do not tell about being sexually abused, it is up to concerned adults or friends to recognize signs of abuse. Physical evidence of abuse is rare. Therefore, we must look for behavioral signs.

The following are general behavior changes that may occur in children and teens who have been sexually abused:

. Depression
. Eating Disorders
. Sleep disturbances
. School problems
. Withdrawal from family, friends, or usual activities
. Excessive bathing or poor hygiene
. Anxiety
. Running away
. Low self-esteem
. Self-destructive behavior
. Hostility or aggression
. Drug or alcohol problems
. Sexual activity or pregnancy at an early age; promiscuity
. Suicide attempts

Click here for more symptoms.

Additional Symptoms
Children and teens who have been sexually abused frequently have more specific symptoms:

. Copying adult sexual behavior
. Sexual play with other children, themselves, toys or pets
. Displaying sexual knowledge, through language or behavior, beyond what is normal for their age
. Unexplained pain, swelling, bleeding or irritation of the mouth, genital or anal area
. Urinary infections
. Sexually transmitted diseases
. Hints, indirect comments or statements about the abuse

Treatment
Often children and teens do not tell anyone about sexual abuse because they:

• Are too young to put what has happened into words
• Were threatened or bribed by the abuser to keep the abuse a secret
• Feel confused by the attention and feelings that accompany the abuse
• Fear that no one will believe them
• Blame themselves or believe the abuse is punishment for being "bad"
• Feel too ashamed or embarrassed to tell
• Worry about getting into trouble or getting a loved one into trouble

A small percentage of kids who are victims of abuse or incest find the courage to tell someone. These disclosures can be as painful as the incest itself; the child believing he or she is telling on someone he or she loves and reliving the horrible experience. They don't want to cause problems, they just want it to stop. No one really knows what makes one child disclose and another not. We do know that it is incredibly important for a disclosure to be heard respectfully and to be believed.

Often when a child discloses incest, he doesn't have words to answer all the questions adults ask. They simply don't understand what is happening. Adults who are already uncomfortable, get frustrated and the whole thing gets dismissed. Oftentimes adults react with denial, and decide that the child was "making it up" or "fantasizing." Just remember... if a child is not believed, it is most likely that he or she won't ever tell again.

Children and teens who have been sexually abused feel many different and overwhelming) emotions, like fear, anger, sadness, guilt and confusion.

Ask Your Counselor/Teacher/Parent
Every child is vulnerable to sexual abuse. Since one out of four females is sexually abused by the time she reaches age 18.that could include you, a friend or a sibling. Today's teenagers and children must face the possibility that someone may hurt or take advantage of them. Almost all of these children will be abused by someone they know and trust: a relative, a family friend, or a caretaker.

It happens--and not just to other people. Children of every race, religion and economic status are abused. What makes this problem even worse is that the effects of abuse and incest don't stop when the abuse stops. They stay with the child as he or she grows through adolescence and into adulthood. Self-hatred, alcoholism, drug addiction, depression, eating disorders, the inability to trust and suicide are common results of incest and sexual abuse.

If you were ever sexually abused, even if it was years ago, it is okay to tell a trusted teacher, school nurse, guidance counselor or friend.

Member Comments

by lexagmor on November 6, 2008 at 9:09 PM

It's so important for kids and teens to know that they must tell parents or trusted people if they've been abused. I wish I had learned about this in school or from my parents when I was a kid; I wouldn't have spent so much time being silently confused and embarrassed.

by Revkat on November 12, 2008 at 2:54 PM

My 14 year old granddaughter went to school authorities this past spring and reported that her adoptive father had been entering her room at night (when he thought she was sleeping) touched her inappropriately and masterbated. He did this for two years. She reported it because she wanted it to stop. Her father was arrested, but my daughter arranged his bail. He was restrained from being present with the children. My daughter took the children (my granddaughter included) to his mother's house in the U.K. so that my granddaughter would not be available to testify against him. My daughter insists my granddaughter has made all this up. I believe my granddaughter. She is a loving, always well behaved child. But over the two years I saw changes in her I worried about. She was very withdrawn, and her eyes had lost their sparkle. Her school work suffered, and she would neglect to turn in homework. Now the father is in the U.K. The charges were dismissed since there was no testimony. He is at his mother's with my daughter and the children. She hasn't had much contact with me since her mother moved her there. I suspect she feels to talk about this now is to be disloyal to her mother or run the risk of losing her mother's love. Any wise advice out there?

by momwhocares on January 13, 2009 at 10:53 AM

The courage for children to tell is the most amazing thing I've ever experienced. The fear they must push through, the fear of facing their abuser in court, the fear of allowing people to probe them, investigate them seemingly far more than their abuser. My children were molested and even raped by a relative; my former spouse lied for him, doesn't believe all 4 of his children, who are all amazingly brave but deeply damaged. We will survive, there is no doubt about that but I think and have experienced that the ones who are apathetic and do not believe will someday pay a grave price, including judges.

by rubidu_twee on February 3, 2009 at 2:52 AM

what is one to do when 2 first cousins are sleeping to getter?

by Suzie1952 on February 3, 2009 at 2:39 PM

I am very concerned about my 15-year-old granddaughter. Her stepfather has convinced her mother to cut her off from her father, brother and all the rest of the family. We no longer are allowed to have any contact with her. He is obsessed with her. When she's away from home, he calls/texts her literally every two minutes. If she's doing something with a friend, he makes her feel guilty about choosing to be with a friend over spending time with him. Everything in me tells me something is very wrong, but she seems to adore him. I do know he buys her anything and everything she wants and he treats her like a princess. Would she be so close to him if something was going on? Please help.

by katlmill on April 16, 2009 at 9:23 PM

Suzie - Trust your instinct. My father incested me for years and we were very close. He cut me off from other people and made me feel very special. Kids want attention. Even if he is molesting her, she could still feel close to him or be afraid of him. I think my dad bought me things to keep me believing he was a good person and I was a bad person. Most of the time the perpetrator will tell the child telling what they've "done together" would ruin the family, make the mother and father hate her or he might threaten to kill the family if she tells. One thing I wish someone had done for me was to tell me they would protect me and my family even if my abuser said he would hurt them or their family. The incest dynamic is so awful and children believe it is their fault and they are participating in what is happening. Please ask your granddaughter or talk with a professional. You could save her a lifetime of heartache.

 

by katlmill on April 16, 2009 at 9:25 PM

Suzie - Trust your instinct. My father incested me for years and we were very close. He cut me off from other people and made me feel very special. Kids want attention. Even if he is molesting her, she could still feel close to him or be afraid of him. I think my dad bought me things to keep me believing he was a good person and I was a bad person. Most of the time the perpetrator will tell the child telling what they've "done together" would ruin the family, make the mother and father hate her or he might threaten to kill the family if she tells. One thing I wish someone had done for me was to tell me they would protect me and my family even if my abuser said he would hurt them or their family. The incest dynamic is so awful and children believe it is their fault and they are participating in what is happening. Please ask your granddaughter or talk with a professional. You could save her a lifetime of heartache.

 

by honeyyenoh2000 on February 27, 2009 at 4:56 PM

i was molested by my father from the age of 3 to 17. i have ptsd and have been diagnosed with manic depression. it has affected every aspest in my life. i am 44 now and barely believing i am worth something and have the right to say no.

by MightyMichelle on September 9, 2009 at 12:50 AM

I am going through some of this stuff....i need help??

by vimalat1 on October 5, 2009 at 5:45 PM

MightyMichelle,

I hope you got support for whatever you were going through when you posted. I just joined and am a survivor and the partner of a survivor as well.

by livestrong4 on October 15, 2009 at 5:20 PM

is it possible for someone to suppress memories of sexual abuse for a long time? if so, how can someone tell if they are real memeories, or if it is just their imagination?

by mydaughterslove on October 27, 2009 at 9:10 PM

My daughter went threw the same thing when her father got custody of her and has been doing things to her for six years or for as long as she can remember. She never told me anything so I thought her father was a good dad.He used to buy her nice things all the time and she loved him so much. I notice wierd things when everytime she was away with me. He would think of things that would make her want to come home. Like always buying her an animal as a surprize so she would want to come home quicker. Then told people at school about her father doing these horrible things to her. My daughters father found out the police wanted him and then shot himself. My daughter has went threw a lot which I am sure so many of you have. She is now feeling her fathers death was her fault. But I know it's not. He made his choice. I am having a hard time helping her threw this all of this. She is in the hospital to her help and I an feeling guilty because she wants to kill herself. I am lost at this point trying to figure out what I can do to help her.

by Lisakay45 on November 20, 2009 at 7:07 AM

if a 2 yr old screems when her mom goes to change her diaper and cries could this be a sign that something is happening to her , her father was charged with a sex offense,
and my daughter dates him and has a child by him , that is the now 2 yr old
I had her first daughter who was 2 when she got her back and i noticed the same thing screaming and crying when i went to change her diaper and she started licking on my arms and legs and acting like a puppy and now she is 4 and hasnt been around that man for about 2 yrs but now the baby now 2 she has by him is act the same way. What is it , does every 2 yr old do this ????
Lisa

by jennishaS on November 22, 2009 at 1:43 AM

well its happend to me and ive been dealing with it for nearly 15 years i hadnt been dealing with it much until almost two years ago when the person who did it came back into my life and ever since then my lifes has gone down hill i honestly dont know wat to do the only ppl ive ever told is my bestfriend and myboyfriend i dont know what to do..please help

by SheszKash on November 27, 2009 at 2:56 PM

I am a survivor of sexual abuse, I am 18 yrs. old . The abuse began when I was about 7 and stopped around 9. My mom was unaware of this until I was 18. There is no way to get your kids to come out and say exactly what is going on. If I would have known I was actually being abused I may have spoken up. But at the sametime, my stepdad always said my mom would hate me for lying. At age 7,8 and 9, I believe this. Now that im Older ¡ realize NONE of the sexual abuse had anything to do with me. He was just a very sick person.

by SheszKash on November 27, 2009 at 2:56 PM

I am a survivor of sexual abuse, I am 18 yrs. old . The abuse began when I was about 7 and stopped around 9. My mom was unaware of this until I was 18. There is no way to get your kids to come out and say exactly what is going on. If I would have known I was actually being abused I may have spoken up. But at the sametime, my stepdad always said my mom would hate me for lying. At age 7,8 and 9, I believe this. Now that im Older ¡ realize NONE of the sexual abuse had anything to do with me. He was just a very sick person.

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by SheszKash on November 27, 2009 at 2:56 PM

I am a survivor of sexual abuse, I am 18 yrs. old . The abuse began when I was about 7 and stopped around 9. My mom was unaware of this until I was 18. There is no way to get your kids to come out and say exactly what is going on. If I would have known I was actually being abused I may have spoken up. But at the sametime, my stepdad always said my mom would hate me for lying. At age 7,8 and 9, I believe this. Now that im Older ¡ realize NONE of the sexual abuse had anything to do with me. He was just a very sick person.

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by SheszKash on November 27, 2009 at 2:56 PM

I am a survivor of sexual abuse, I am 18 yrs. old . The abuse began when I was about 7 and stopped around 9. My mom was unaware of this until I was 18. There is no way to get your kids to come out and say exactly what is going on. If I would have known I was actually being abused I may have spoken up. But at the sametime, my stepdad always said my mom would hate me for lying. At age 7,8 and 9, I believe this. Now that im Older ¡ realize NONE of the sexual abuse had anything to do with me. He was just a very sick person.

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by SheszKash on November 27, 2009 at 2:56 PM

I am a survivor of sexual abuse, I am 18 yrs. old . The abuse began when I was about 7 and stopped around 9. My mom was unaware of this until I was 18. There is no way to get your kids to come out and say exactly what is going on. If I would have known I was actually being abused I may have spoken up. But at the sametime, my stepdad always said my mom would hate me for lying. At age 7,8 and 9, I believe this. Now that im Older ¡ realize NONE of the sexual abuse had anything to do with me. He was just a very sick person.

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by abasjewel on November 29, 2009 at 3:02 PM

I was sexually abused at the age of 3 by my own father...not sure how long it lasted, just started remembering this about 4 yrs ago and I am 48...I will say there is freedom and healing. The telling of what happened is the hardest part...forgiving yourself is key--even though we didn't do anything wrong as little ones we don't understand that--we think somehow we were responsible.

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by mouie on December 2, 2009 at 7:12 AM

I'm looking for some guidance for myself and my girlfriend in dealing with what she just told me.This happened to her in 1984 when she was 23 he was 48.She had not seen her father in 21 years. He called her from Italy out of the blue. He came to the usa with her half brother who was 9. Before going back to Italy asked her to come and meet her family. She went a short time later and stayed for 2 months. within a few days she had sex with him and they lived as boyfriend/girlfriend for the 2 months she was there unless his girlfriend came to visit from France for a few days.I'm not sure who was the the one who started it.She dose not remember or will not say if it was her or him.I find it hard to belive it would be something you would not remember.She said it was good and bad time, at one point he pulled a gun and told her I gave you life and I can take it. A month after she came back to the U.S. she went on a 10 day trip to a carribbian island with him. She said she had a great time.I don't understand how she would go on that trip, which he was to go on with his girlfriend. She wanted to go to Italy in spring of 1985 but he said it wasn't a go time to come. They talked on the phone many times over the next few months but never saw him again and now hates him.I love this woman and we've been talking about getting married,she dosn't want to,but would live with me.I am having a hard time with this.I need some questions answerd.I don't know if I should talk to her more about this, she dose not want to talk about it again. Am I wrong in my feelings.Help

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by FORGIVENESS on December 21, 2009 at 9:44 PM

I have also been a victim of incest,for many years I hated my father for what he did to me.I carry all the memories way into my late 20's one day some memories were awaken in my mind, this thoughts almost kill my spirit,soul and any faith that I had left in me. I was 3 when it began and 17 when I claim my freedom. Many years pass before I told anyone my dirty secret. One night wile I engage in all the ugliness of my memories I felt all the hate for both my parents, then I had a spiritual experience, something left me the moment I remember how much I HAD LOVE THEM! I am not a religious person or belong to no church but I always remember praying Palms 51 "create in my a new hart..." and as a child I told God that if He existed don't let me loose my mind and self. That night I made the decision to forgive my parents, I felt all the love, all the sadness that had afflicted my family, then I pray for their redention if there is life after death. I felt free for the second time in my life, clean,happy, and no more nightmare came to me for a very long time. After that day I found medical answers for all of what happen, I saw out any possible element that has good for my soul. I will not tell anyone that all the memories went away, or that I see my parents, no I learn to love them from a safe distance. My father never ask for my forgiveness, my mother has gone before my 4th birthday. Sometimes I will call my dad to just say I LOVE YOU, because he created me, but it been years since he saw me, and I just live 1 hour from him. If I share any hope for anyone today start by forgiving your self fist, It was not our fault, then try to forgive them.I know this is a tall order, but I know it works. And 2nd don't let your spirit, soul. and mind be continously be rape by memories saw dark as rape,molestation or incest. you friend always.....Forgiveness!

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by ily095 on December 23, 2009 at 7:23 PM

When i was just 12 years old and i am still now. a rumor spread out about me haveing sex with one of x-boyfriends. i am still a vergin. but the things ive done..... Guys always texted me or facebooked me saying do you give blow jobs or hand jobs i said no. but that couldent help anything one day one of my friends i new sinse i was in 2nd grade then and said hey come hang out so i did but i soon noticed these 2 guys were the boy who i nevered talked 2 they both grabed me andon eby the waist and i said no but forced i gave the one guy a hand job while the other fingered me that day i cryed all night wondering why i said yes this happened to me many times till now i ened up going to another school. i still rember that day wondering why. another story was when my parents always fighted i rember my dad kicked me and many more . my parents will always fight just yelling and i soon noticed that they dident want eachother but they only lived in the same roof because my mom could pay the bills and my dad dident. I stoped talking till my mom when she broke a promise that i was so excited about and she told me to shut ass hole she never said that to me and till now i barley speak i wish someday i want to live some where else away from everyone so they can forget me. -eliabeth when will i have a real home

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by help4cutters on December 28, 2009 at 8:47 PM

You can be an overcomer and move beyond your struggle with cutting. Never give up HOPE...check out wwww.doorofhope4teens.org they have a team of counselors that will guide you through your recovery process. All their services are at no charge and the have a hope line at 1 888-HOPE-307
Give them a try and remember that you are not what your scars represent
Blessings to all of you who read this post.

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by lily91 on January 1, 2010 at 10:00 PM

I am 18 yrs old. I was abused at the age of 8 or 9. It didnt last long. I eventually reported it and the man was arrested, he confessed and was going to jail, but he fled to India. I went to therapy and I told everyone I was fine and I think for the most part I was, However, now I think not. I come off as a very confident capable person, however, on the inside I question my a lot about myslef, whether its about my studies or about my relationships. Ive always had a troubled relationship with my mother, she works nonstop and according to our therapist..has lost track off me for most of my life. She is also a victim of domestic violence.
My biggest problem is maintaining long lasting close friendships. I used to doubt my relationships with friends whom Ive known for 4,5 yrs. Im constantly thinking if Im likable and self-conscious. If I look at friends in my life..the closest one I had was at a boarding school 6 yrs ago, but now I dont have a really close set of friends...I have friends..just not close..and its the same at college..I feel so alone and Im anxious over it too. I hate being this way. I just really need to get out of my head.
This is my first time writing about my abuse and my insecurites.
Thanks.

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by InLimbo on January 31, 2010 at 10:50 PM

I feel guilty for feeling better at reading these stories from survivors of child sexual abuse. Because, so much of it rings true for me too. I don't know if I'm a survivor, because I'm still living with my dad. He doesn't do anything to me anymore, but his mere presence everyday makes me feel I'm never going to pass this stage of my life. I feel I can only truly be free and move on when I can leave all of the nightmares behind.

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by creativeaura on February 2, 2010 at 8:36 PM

I want to know what to do after the fact. I'm a victim and I already had the situation squashed, he can't bother me. I still have emotional scars tho. I have trust issues with men and find myself looking to them for pleasure than commitment. It disgusts me. I even considered messing with females. What makes it worse is that my parents don't know of these "side effects". but i can't bear to tell them because they are religious leaders in our congregation.

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by drpatti on February 6, 2010 at 6:29 AM

I want to invite all girls who have been through sex abuse to my site www.girlthrive.com - Please find comfort and support in our blog- Also our book "Invisible Girls: The Truth About Sexual Abuse" is a wonderful support system. Girls can thrive and have wonderful lives after sex abuse. You are the strongest girls I know! xo Dr. Patti Feuereisen

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by mysadlife2 on February 20, 2010 at 2:32 PM

i was sexually abused from the age of three onwards by my mums sisters husband,my auntie in question has died now and i thought the world of her but her husband still living is sick,my mums brother also tried abusing me when i was in my early teenage years and my mum did not beleive me,i have grown up with a very tormented life and it has affected my marriage very much,i never was able to show a lot of affection to my children due to this and i feel i have missed out on the enjoyment of life,i also have another cousin who endured the same nd i think its disgusting that people can get away with this

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by mysadlife2 on February 20, 2010 at 2:52 PM

i am a 44yr old lady,i was abused from the age of three by my aunties husband,i eventually got the courage to tell my dad who wanted to knock his head off and my other stopped him,my cousin was also affected by this inconsiderable abuse that i found out on the death of my mother,my auntie who i loved so much as now recently passed away and that arseole is still living,i just dont know what to say to abused people these days as it should not happen,i cant beleive it is still going on my youngest daughter was sexually abused when she was about 8yr old and i took it to court and she was examined which was liked being raped again,it went to court and all the evidence was there but because there was no dna and he was a miner he could not be convicted and put on the sex affenders list,there is so much going on on the internet now that i think we should be able to do a name and shame list,anyone up for this

+1

by jclairedelunek on February 27, 2010 at 1:50 AM

How can I not feel sad and cry all the time and want to kill myself? My own brother, 2 babysitters molested me. I feel dirty and ashamed and I can never tell my mother because it would kill her because shes been abused but I can't form a trusting relationship with anyone. Noone knows the real me. I feel so alone, and noone will ever want me. God I just want to die.

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by blrenner on September 21, 2010 at 11:45 PM

Don't even think that you want to die..never, ever! Dont feel alone..there are a lot of us out there like you...you are a valuable person, you are a nice person..it is NOT your fault that people did this to you. I am a survivor..I will be strong, take care of those around you..Get up and see the sun and the moon..because I wish those people who hurt you Karma..! Tell your mother, when I did, she was mad, she wouldn't talk to me, then she wanted to move in..and I said "no"..if you need someone..I will check in with you..just don't die...!

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by Bostonguy781 on February 28, 2010 at 12:34 AM

I am A survivor as well. I have been dealing with it since when it happened at age 6. It has disrupted my family, and has torn the family apart.....

I understand the extreme post traumatic stress others feel regarding this subject and can just say to keep on trying to find justice.

Exposing these criminals is the only way to stop these monsters, or they will keep doing it...Dont be afraid to tell the police...

In my case, I was a child, and by the time I reported it to my local police department, the statute of limitations had passed and the rapist (my first cousin) got away scott free...
Tell the police as soon as you can, in my case it was too late....

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by Sgibson3 on March 6, 2010 at 4:53 PM

I have a soon to be ex wife that is putting my daugther in dangerous situations. She has a job that keeps her at work all hours of the night. She has a boyfriend already and has been having him (and sometimes his kids too) spend the night. My daughter usually sleep in the bed with her. (sleeps in bed with my daugther with just his underwear on per my daugther!)I know at least twice my daugther has been left in his care while she is away. She seems to think because he has 2 daugthers of his own, he is not capable of sexual abuse. The legal system does not help me protect my daughter. I believe my daugthers saftey is not her priority. My instinct tells me something will eventually happen to my daugther. Maybe not this guy, maybe not the next, But my wife does'nt seem to get it. WHAT DO I DO ?!?

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by amib2009 on April 3, 2010 at 5:38 AM

My earliest memories are of blowing my grandfather and then watching him screw my brother. I think I was 2. I know that every time I stayed at my mom's parents house before the age of 9, when she remembered her abuse, that my grandfather got to me. I was afraid to sleep by myself until I was 16 and still have problems at 27. I have many memories of being molested and even raped by babysitters and people who lived with us, some even include my brother. By the time I was 9 I would sneek around to watch pornography and masterbate. I have been hyper sexual my whole life, prefering men but having sex with women when men where not available. I have yet to have a successful relationship, my husband left me and my daughter in september of last year. As my daughter gets older I become more afraid that I will not be able to protect her. I have been having a lot of flashbacks since she was born and they have gotten worse since my husband divorced me. I am bipolar and have been a cutter since I was 9. I have not cut in over a year, but as these flashbacks keep comming and since I have gone 7 months without sex, I feel the need to inflict something upon myself. Somedays the only thing that holds me together is knowing I have that little girl to raise. My parents do not understand and in honesty I do not share much with them. My mother always blames herself and somehow turns the focus onto herself. I guess I just thought if I could get it out here this morning I might be able to sleep. I know that sounds stupid, but sometimes just saying it, putting it out there, is enough to let some of the self doubt and loathing go.

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by Akapo on April 4, 2010 at 5:16 AM

Knowing that a lot of people went and are still going thru all these beats my imagination. But think about this, when in a process of developing a picture there is a sudden escape of light into the darkroom OR a superimposition of an image on one that is already there before, the resulting picture on the material will be blurred and inseparable. This happens during the imperfect, nascent and naive stage of the picture. The picture I am trying to paint is that, sexually abuse and incest are tools of the interceptor on the destiny and success of an image of the CREATURE S of the Almighty God. Shall we pray that if it is not getting at Us, it should not get at anyone in our geneology. Incest or sexual abuse is more than just a disorder or wickedness in Man. It is an attack on Man's Destiny, a vengeance at God for loving Man.

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by Akapo on April 4, 2010 at 5:25 AM

Knowing that a lot of people went and are still going thru all these beats my imagination. But think about this, when in a process of developing a picture there is a sudden escape of light into the darkroom OR a superimposition of an image on one that is already there before, the resulting picture on the material will be blurred and inseparable. This happens during the imperfect, nascent and naive stage of the picture. The picture I am trying to paint is that, sexually abuse and incest are tools of the interceptor on the destiny and success of an image of the CREATURE S of the Almighty God. Shall we pray that if it is not getting at Us, it should not get at anyone in our geneology. Incest or sexual abuse is more than just a disorder or wickedness in Man. It is an attack on Man's Destiny, a vengeance at God for loving Man.

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by Kayleeshea on July 12, 2010 at 9:56 AM

There is hope in God. I am a survivor of sexual abuse by my father, I felt confused because I thought he loved me. I did not know him until I was 17 and he showed me more love so I thought than anyone had ever. Took me to church and knew more about the bible than anyone I'd ever known. I thought I loved him more than anyone in the world. That this was the way it was supossed to be until the aweful things happened and I realized that I was just his toy. I didn't understand at the time and felt no way out. Withdrew from everyone but him because he was the only one that had a clue as to my life. He made me think he was in love with me and just couldnt help it. I found a way in christ and trust me he isnt just far off his power is amazing and he fixed everything. It was easy but I lived with him almost a year with him leaving me alone...well he kept pursuing me but I would speak the name of Jesus to him and suddenly it stopped. I have grown so close to the lord and now have an amazing fiance. I still suffer from time to time of the past memories but it's a good feeling to know that God is there and through him I am overcoming.

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by Kayleeshea on July 12, 2010 at 9:56 AM

There is hope in God. I am a survivor of sexual abuse by my father, I felt confused because I thought he loved me. I did not know him until I was 17 and he showed me more love so I thought than anyone had ever. Took me to church and knew more about the bible than anyone I'd ever known. I thought I loved him more than anyone in the world. That this was the way it was supossed to be until the aweful things happened and I realized that I was just his toy. I didn't understand at the time and felt no way out. Withdrew from everyone but him because he was the only one that had a clue as to my life. He made me think he was in love with me and just couldnt help it. I found a way in christ and trust me he isnt just far off his power is amazing and he fixed everything. It was easy but I lived with him almost a year with him leaving me alone...well he kept pursuing me but I would speak the name of Jesus to him and suddenly it stopped. I have grown so close to the lord and now have an amazing fiance. I still suffer from time to time of the past memories but it's a good feeling to know that God is there and through him I am overcoming.

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by Kayleeshea on July 12, 2010 at 9:56 AM

There is hope in God. I am a survivor of sexual abuse by my father, I felt confused because I thought he loved me. I did not know him until I was 17 and he showed me more love so I thought than anyone had ever. Took me to church and knew more about the bible than anyone I'd ever known. I thought I loved him more than anyone in the world. That this was the way it was supossed to be until the aweful things happened and I realized that I was just his toy. I didn't understand at the time and felt no way out. Withdrew from everyone but him because he was the only one that had a clue as to my life. He made me think he was in love with me and just couldnt help it. I found a way in christ and trust me he isnt just far off his power is amazing and he fixed everything. It was easy but I lived with him almost a year with him leaving me alone...well he kept pursuing me but I would speak the name of Jesus to him and suddenly it stopped. I have grown so close to the lord and now have an amazing fiance. I still suffer from time to time of the past memories but it's a good feeling to know that God is there and through him I am overcoming.

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by Kayleeshea on July 12, 2010 at 9:56 AM

There is hope in God. I am a survivor of sexual abuse by my father, I felt confused because I thought he loved me. I did not know him until I was 17 and he showed me more love so I thought than anyone had ever. Took me to church and knew more about the bible than anyone I'd ever known. I thought I loved him more than anyone in the world. That this was the way it was supossed to be until the aweful things happened and I realized that I was just his toy. I didn't understand at the time and felt no way out. Withdrew from everyone but him because he was the only one that had a clue as to my life. He made me think he was in love with me and just couldnt help it. I found a way in christ and trust me he isnt just far off his power is amazing and he fixed everything. It was easy but I lived with him almost a year with him leaving me alone...well he kept pursuing me but I would speak the name of Jesus to him and suddenly it stopped. I have grown so close to the lord and now have an amazing fiance. I still suffer from time to time of the past memories but it's a good feeling to know that God is there and through him I am overcoming.

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by Kayleeshea on July 12, 2010 at 10:05 AM

There is hope in God. I am a survivor of sexual abuse by my father, I felt confused because I thought he loved me. I did not know him until I was 17 and he showed me more love so I thought than anyone had ever. Took me to church and knew more about the bible than anyone I'd ever known. I thought I loved him more than anyone in the world. That this was the way it was supossed to be until the aweful things happened and I realized that I was just his toy. I didn't understand at the time and felt no way out. Withdrew from everyone but him because he was the only one that had a clue as to my life. He made me think he was in love with me and just couldnt help it. I found a way in christ and trust me he isnt just far off his power is amazing and he fixed everything. It was easy but I lived with him almost a year with him leaving me alone...well he kept pursuing me but I would speak the name of Jesus to him and suddenly it stopped. I have grown so close to the lord and now have an amazing fiance. I still suffer from time to time of the past memories but it's a good feeling to know that God is there and through him I am overcoming.

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by AngelicDaemon on August 2, 2010 at 9:24 PM

I am 22 now, but i was abused sexually from age 4 to 14 by my biological father, untill i ran away and was urged by the friend i rant to to tell someone. My mother retained custody of myself and my 3 siblings who my father had also abused. He killed himself rather than go to jail. I suffer from PTSD, bipolar disorder and, sever anxiety. I became sexually active of my own accord anout a year and a half ago, but things have changed recently. I feel dirty and ashamed after sexual acts with my boyfriend, but I don't know how to confront the feelings. My mother has recently started dating again and the man in a creeper. He hits on me constantly and it makes me very uncomfortable, although my mother turns a blind eye to it, just like i feel she turned a blind eye tot he abuse her husband perpetrated on us children. Is this the cause of my recent problems sexually?

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by cobaltfjord on August 23, 2010 at 2:43 PM

I have counseled hundreds of survivors of incest and sexual abuse. If you need someone to talk to who cares and understands you can email me at ultraempathy@aol.com I can give you helpful answers to your tough questions. Hugs, Michael

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by chachakay on September 5, 2010 at 4:40 AM

hi im a parent of a 10yr old girl who was sexually abused by her father. She is in the self harm mode at the moment and reading through all of your stories has to give me some hope that my girl can beat this? My heart goes out to each and everyone of you-as a parent having to watch your child endure this ongoing pain and struggle with emotions is heartbreaking. Thank you for your stories it gives me more insight and understanding as to what she is thinking and feeling. My love and wishes to all who have had to face or deal with this,

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by softballgurl15 on September 16, 2010 at 2:37 PM

be there for your child because my mother doesn't want to believe that my father abused me.

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by pervertsandy on September 9, 2010 at 10:42 AM

I am 20 now, I was abused when I was 6. I was abused by the husband of my aunt. I began to masturbate later, since 6 to 16. My parents have seen my actions (when I was 6), asked me "Who did teach me that?" When I have told them it, they called him and he never touched me later.
I felt ashamed while I was masturbating, I felt that I am ONE HUMAN in the world who do it, I felt guilt,I felt that it was sin etc. I hid it from my parents.
When I was 13, I have known about Marilyn Manson, about his granddad who was masturbating too, who was pervert, monster. And I was glad that I am not one, that there are many people like me etc. I began to compare myself with Manson's life, I wanted the same perversions like of him. I even wanted to be guy-gay, to be in orgies. I did not believe in love, I hatred the word "love", I thought I will have relationships only for shallow sex, but sex in friendship, but sex without love. Understanding this, I wanted to be narcissist, to love myself etc. I have even believed that I was narcissist, but I wanted to have sex with somebody anyway. I stopped dating with the first guy because I did not love him and he did not love me too. My imagination became more and more pervert for several years, I began to want being in orgy where 4 guys would fuck me, rape me and where I would cry. I wanted to have sex in metal band.

About my past in the society:
I had friends as child, I did not have them as a teenager; I moved with my parents to another city when I was 12, 13. People hated me in my new school, but the teachers loved me. Classmates hated me, guys offended me. I was too shy. I cried constantly at the home. I had depression. I had low self-esteem.
When I was 17, I was in hospital 2 weeks. I drank antidepressants.

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by pervertsandy on September 9, 2010 at 10:43 AM

Now, I cry every week at home, I think myself shit,I hate my behavior, my look, my emotions, opinions, character etc. I remember my past and cry, I feel my past. I am disappointed in personal life, sex life, look, my past, my family, my person. I hate myself constantly. I hate myself because of my look, because I look like Loli, but I hate LOli, so my look is not in my taste. My I-real is not look like my I-ideal. So I hate my look.
I hate my temper because of the same things. My I-ideal is person like Gia Carangi.

I was abased by my mother in my family sometimes and I can't forget it and don't know how to behave with her now.

I feel that my dream will not be in reality (sleeping in orgies), because, on one hand, I don't want people not to respect me, if I would act that way, so I cried so much. When I live without that dream, hope, I feel the void inside, I feel I am not alive, I feel it is not point to live, I don't feel the life, the joy...

I cry every week because of all those reasons, and don't know what to do now.
I go to my therapist, I do art therapy, but depression does not leave me anyway. I am writing the diaries, drawing pictures, but I feel the same feelings anyway. Now I began to think about suicide...

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by softballgurl15 on September 16, 2010 at 2:35 PM

I was abused by my father and my mother doesn't beleive me so now i live with my grandparrents along with my little brother( not abused sexually, but physically). my father didn't get any jail time but he did admit to doing things to me. its been four mothns since i've disclosed and i go to therapy every week and my mental state has gotten way better, im actually enjoying my last year in school and my life hasn't been this great ever. remember if you are getting abused by somebody, tell anybody and get out of the situation because it will ruin you. just tell somebody, trust me you will feel better!

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by blrenner on September 21, 2010 at 11:30 PM

I hate my stepfather...he started abusing me when I arrived here with my mom and my little brother (who was then 5); I was eight. I never told my mother anything...When I did tell her she told me I was lying. He is an older man now, I have a grandaughter who is now 12 and my son insists on taking her to the 'house' and be with him and his uncles (six of them) instead of visiting me.. I talk to my father, but deep down in my heart, I hate him, because he took my childhood away, I should have been out playing, being happy, but instead I used to wake up mad and angry..and then when I did my mother would throw coffee in my face telling me "why are you in such a bad mood? I hate him ..I hate my mother for not protecting me (she is now deceased..and I miss her anyway); and I hate my son for taking my grandaughter to sit next to "him" and her uncles> What happens if they touch her? I don't think anyone will protect her..and I wish I could talk to her..

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by blrenner on September 21, 2010 at 11:49 PM

I just joined this..I am older, I am almost 59..fighting this my whole life..I think most of you are younger! PLEASE..just hang in there! It doesn't get easier, it gets less painful...one day at a time..Get up tomorrow and get ready for a new day..find someone to talk to..and get going..I did...! Its going to be okay..Damn this people who hurt you/me..get going..buy new pajamas..change the bedsheets..flowers, whatever..please don't think you are a bad person..you are not!

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by FreakedOutAunt on October 6, 2010 at 10:21 AM

I need suggestions, please! Books, studies, articles, websites -- whatever. I've scoured the web searching for info & help about the following, but can't find much useful as my family deals w/the following: My niece, 14, was sexually groomed from the age of 8 or 9 & later likely sexually abused (she insists nothing sexual occurred) by a 35-yr-old family friend who hung around ostensibly to help my handicapped sister (Niece's mom). ... Niece is an only child; parents divorced when she was a baby. Her dad lives far away and he & his wife only began nurturing a relationship w/her in the last 2 yrs. Niece's mom (hereafter NMom) is what con artists call a "mark" - gullible, overly trusting, easily manipulated & ever willing to take the high road, even in obviously bad situations. ... Enter Creepo. Part of NMom's gaming group. Single father, his boy 5 or so years younger than Niece. Creepo instantly insinuated himself into NMom's & Niece's lives, at first being really helpful & also merely seeming so. But that helpfulness started to seem weird: such extraordinary efforts & time commitments weren't normal - normal people just didn't do this. So, what was Creepo after? NMom said Creepo was "just helping" & "wants the best for Niece." I suspected otherwise - as did my mom, my husband (a police officer) & my BF, who was incested as a child. For @ 3 yrs, the situation was fairly obvious to anyone paying attention. Creepo spent copious time & money on Niece (& sometimes NMom), took her on trips to amusement parks & air shows, etc. - often without NMom, who trusted him. The worst part was that Niece loved it - the attention, the freedom, adventure, etc. ... (See post No. 2.)

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by FreakedOutAunt on October 6, 2010 at 10:23 AM

(Cont. from post No. 1) ... Have I mentioned Niece is intellectually gifted? Way too smart for her own & others' good sometimes. Esp since her smarts & enforced independence prompt her to believe she's making decisions for herself w/o influence from others, like Creepo. I have found diary-like writings here & there she's written to herself - and even at 11 and 12, Niece saw herself as thinking & acting independently. Saw herself as a willing partner in the relationship Creepo had created. Sob! She did not see any short- or long-term consequences. ... Okay, Creepo was tossed from inner circle maybe 6 or so months ago - still hangs around, moping. (Sick.) Niece is scared of him, refuses to be around him, though NMom (until the last week) was still allowing him to do chores & favors for her & Niece. Last week, Creepo text'd Niece - very threatening, acknowledging a sexual relationship, acting like he was gonna go postal. Scary. We went to police, etc. Niece insists no sex, no intimacy, no relationship. ... In the meantime, a 21-yr-old man who games w/NMom's group swoops in to help protect Niece & NMom from Creepo. NMom has previously talked of letting 21-yr-old move into the guest bdrm. Guess what? Two days after Creepo texts, 21-yr-old asks NMom for permission to "date" Niece "in two years, when she turns 16." The two have been phoning & texting to the extent that 21-yr-old professes love in some texts. ... This is so F'ed up. Niece doesn't see what the prob is. NMom is close to shutting down from guilt & confusion - AND bc we are struggling to find info that might help her to understand & help Niece understand. Help!

by Riley67 on October 9, 2010 at 9:19 AM

My grandfather sexually abused me when I was 11. It never went beyond touching and fondling and I have never told anyone in my family. I buried it away and tried not to think about it. Last year my mom passed away and while sorting through old pictures I came across one of him and these memories came flooding back, I see what he was wearing, the smell, the feeling of being sick to my stomache, trying to keep my legs closed tight so he could not touch me. I knew it was wrong but could not verbalize it. I am 43 now and am struggling with this and am starting to realize how much of an impact this has had on my life, my choices and how I feel about myself.

by goingtocollege on November 19, 2010 at 9:41 PM

I was sodimized by an uncle when I was 4 yrs old and molested by several other men from the age of 6 to the age of 13. I told my relatives about what happened and nobody believed me. I have since dealt with it on my own and I just want to let everybody know that you never get over it but you can become a stronger person through everything that has happened to you. I am now 30 yrs old and in college.
And to answer your question likeri I believe that your partner should open up about it but only when she feels that she is ready to deal with. If you force her to talk about what happened to her it can throw her over the edge. She may be the type of person that can deal with it on her own like I have and rekindling that nightmare can be dangerous if she isn't ready to talk about it.

Sources: http://www.livestrong.com/article/12505-sexual-abuse-incest/